According to Experts, Poisonous Snakes are the Best Snakes for Killing

The much-anticipated film Snakes on a Plane is the story of an assassin who tries to kill a witness in protective custody by releasing deadly snakes on a plane. Upon hearing this plot, I was incredulous, "do assassins really use boxes of deadly snakes to kill their targets?" According to Ramon Bootierrez, local community assassin and water polo enthusiast, assassins use [boxes of] snakes all the time. "Not only are snakes a powerful weapon against your enemies, they are also loyal friends and pets," said Bootierrez while oiling up for the next polo match. "A gun is cold and lifeless, while a snake is still cold but very life-full."


I then wondered if he had ever tried using other predators as tools of murder. He said that he once used a gaggle of pumas, but unfortunately was allergic to the fur; and a deadly foray into the world of black widows almost cost him his life. "The black widow is a traitorous wench, she is loyal to no one. I found that out the hard way, when she bit me on the nipple and stole my wallet. I was hospitalized for only a couple of days, but my heart would never recover."

As I helped Mr. Bootierrez into his swim trunks, I asked him what the best breeds of snake were for killing. "My top three...OOH YOU'RE PINCHING...sorry, my top three favorite snakes, would be the uhh, Death Adder, beautiful skin, great muscle tone...the Anaconda, but not for planes, they won't fit in the overhead compartment...and probably the Cobra, just for the drama of it all, but once again, if your target plays the lute or flute the cobra is easily tamed. The least effective is the suburban garter snake, which will mostly just cuddle."


So, all you aspiring assassins, think outside the box...OF SNAKES!!!!